Thursday, February 13, 2014

It's That Most Wonderful Time of the Year (NOT)

It's here.

It doesn't matter whether you care or not. Single, coupled, unsure - its victims united, while yes, indeed, there are those who genuinely enjoy the one day set aside to do great gestures of love.

Valentine's Day.

Hallmark holiday, you shout? You know it doesn't matter. The juggernaut is so huge, it practically oils itself and scrubs its own rusty ass with a brand new loofah. (It's only a few thousand years old, pre-Hallmark).

I usually end up talking around this time about how I'm feeling about all this stuff. I can't help but be affected by it for better or worse.

Wanna know what's unique about this year?

No, don't loose your mind - I do not have someone for Valentine's day.


I could have.

I actually could have.

I actually had options.

I chose none.

How strange...

How powerful in a way compared to previous years, caught up in a misled idea of 'destiny' aka 'stuff that happens to you without you doing anything'.

I feel I am growing. Well, mostly. I still have my retarding days where I feel myself shrinking back to a 13 year old or similar.

I am more proactive now in some regard (as opposed to none) in my 'love life' or whatever I'm supposed to call it.

Ready for the punchline?

Despite earnestly trying different approaches with mostly positive responses, I am no where different. It's like rowing a boat as hard as possible on a lap pool.

I gotta say, it's brought quite a few terrible days. You know those ones where 'Why? What's the point?' is yelled towards the Heavens.

I'm not going to lay some positive topspin on it, because, when I've said it sucks, it really does fucking suck.

But I will say this - I've felt I've grown a bit and I feel that needs to keep happening.

In the meantime, will you be my Valentine? Pretty, pretty, please with glace cherries on top, with whipped cream and flaked almonds?

Actually screw that. I'm having that gorgeous sundae to myself.


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I Got 99 Problems But A...

Dear World,

Hi. How's it going?

I had an awesome day yesterday. So much so, today kinda... sucks.

Contrary to my title, I don't have 99 Problems, like Jay Z. I've just been really enjoying that song lately. For me, it's about a guy that has a shitload of problems, but he understands he's still alive and has survived.

I feel I can't really complain about life. I am alive. I am alive in a better position than most. This seems like enough. And it is. But that human feeling of looking to more does bite me in the ass sometimes.

Is it about what the world can offer me or what I can offer it? Maybe a mix of both?

Well, how about on a smaller level...

What can I offer a person?

Is love ever enough? Is commitment, not necessarily a resulting component of love, more important?

I feel I've begun to understand what I value in a relationship. Compassion is a large part. Communication - blood vital. Affection - please. Emotional intimacy. Of course sex/feeling physically appreciated. Care. Genuine acceptance and understanding.

Is love the sum of all these things or a separate thing?

You've probably figured out by now, I have things on my mind. Yes - love, girls, sex, relationships, how I fit into it all, if I even do.

Yesterday I met up with four people in a row. The first was planned, the second was coincidental, the third and fourth were semi-planned.

By the end of it all, I was so exhausted, but so satisfied. It was like a four course meal of varying discussions and interactions. I really felt that I could probably relive that day as it was, ten times over before I started to get bored of it.

As far as the one-on-one discussions were concerned, that was free. We think of it as a whimsical idea (okay, truth be told, I do), that perhaps the best things in life are free.

I really thought after on the train home - what more, outside of vital survival things like food, water, shelter, etc, etc, do I truly need in life but meaningful human interactions?

Could the person I eventually love be truly satisfied with that alone, as I feel I could?

That feeling of needing someone so bad truly scares me. I feel so helpless as it feels like all my senses have gone haywire and my brain has rewired into a state of complete and utter submission. The person I was before is shredded into a dependent mess, looking for that next fix of cocaine. (Apparently, when in love, our bodies release the same hormones as when you ingest a drug like cocaine).

Right now, I'm feeling that helplessness.

I don't want to say I'm in L 0 < e. So I won't. I won't even type it. Ha. Take that you... word.

I feel at loss. My self seems to have left me and I just want another hit. I just want her to be on constant drip...


Monday, October 14, 2013

What Just Happened?

*Originally started writing this Thursday 10th of October.

'So uh, what happened? Did ya balls drop off?'

- The Joker - The Dark Knight

I've been trying to make sense of the madness of the last few days and indeed the last week. Currently, this is as much as I know...

- Initial procrastination led to an overload of things to do over a shorter period of time.

- During this shorter period of busy time, I thought less about eating properly/regularly and hence, ended up losing some weight and not in a good way, but in a crash diet 'oh shit, I forgot to eat' unintentional way.

- Once I realised I had other important things to do, I could've/should've said no to other things. I felt I needed to see my friends before leaving for a couple of weeks.

- As a result of the above, I was sleep deprived.

- Due to all the above, I was exhausted.

- Due to that, I allowed myself to be in a position to be more anxious than usual before a film shoot/trip.

- Because of that, I had no real appetite and found it difficult to eat which lead to...

- More exhaustion, due to a lack of energy and general weakness leading into

- Nausea, quite consistently over a long period of time meaning

- Even more sleep deprivation as the vicious cycle continued and

- Some of the worst, most consistently nagging anxiety/panic attacks I've encountered.

I still don't know if I made the right decision to abandon the doco shoot up on the Queensland/New South Wales border. I took the first flight I could from the last big town which was on the way up there - Dubbo, got to Sydney, then from there to home to Melbourne.

Throughout the night before, time went at such an agonisingly slow speed, I could not believe it. Thinking about it now, the adrenaline being constantly flooded into my blood was probably responsible for that perception.

I felt if I could not relax enough at a motel, I could struggle at the camp and my nausea could worsen.

All I could think about was getting out, getting home, getting out, getting home.

The thought that I would be stuck in the middle of nowhere for about 9 - 11 days seemed too much. I would be locked down for better, for worse, in that field and have to deal with it no matter what. No way out. No exit home.

I was not blind to this challenge. It was, in fact, one of the many reasons I said yes to the project. I wanted to challenge myself, dare myself and hopefully grow the fuck up, while having a new adventure.

Usually before undertaking something new, exciting, especially if it requires an early morning, I have a restless night and a pretty zombie-like morning as the stress eventually gets pushed aside and I just have to deal with reality of the now. I had told myself that this would be the normal way to begin this project, knowing it would pass, as usual, by about midday.

Much to my horror, it did not seem to let up by lunch. I did however have a short period of relief about an hour after. I met a lovely easy-going man named Josh who just by talking about life and fun stuff and being in his more spacious van (as opposed to the stacked-to-the-brim 4WD), I managed to actually get to a genuine state of contention and reinvigorated excitement about the prospect of camping in the middle of nowhere.

Things reset when we arrived in Parkes, New South Wales and ate. My food was fine. I was not. Nausea hit in again. Temporary relief came with a shower, but I could not sleep. The clock seemed to tick slower than I had ever seen.

I didn't feel like reading, watching or really listening to anything, though I tried to listen to the radio, went through a hypno therapy recording which worked for the time it was on, but not when it finished.

By the time I could finally talk to someone in person at 6am, I had rehearsed the idea of flying back home and pitched it.

The drive to the airport was quiet and though I began to feel like things were more do-able, I struggled to decide.

More stress at the airport as I couldn't buy a ticket on the spot, I had to call as online was slow.

Eventually I was left alone at the airport with about five hours to burn and about 10 staff in the entire airport shack. I snoozed, managed to eat and drink a bit, talked to a good friend for a few minutes, watched a couple of TV episodes.

The plane took off at 1.40pm. I cried. The overwhelming stress of two days and two nights overcame me and there was nothing left to do.

Sydney felt a bit better, perhaps because I had been there barely two months before and so I was on some kind of familiar ground.

The plane home was more enjoyable, though by the time I walked out, I was numbed.

Getting back home around 7pm was so weird. I simultaneously felt I had been away for a long time and yet, everything felt like I hadn't ever left. Thinking about it now, I would have a similar feeling after doing an all-nighter party. With no sleep to define the days and nights, everything really is just one big day to you.

It's now almost a week later. I feel I have the clarity on the situation. I'm pretty over it, thankfully. My main reason for this blog entry is so that if I ever need to remind myself of what happened, I can always check it.

I did what I did and it was a specific set of circumstances that created the terrible situation. I made a series of choices which I didn't comprehend at the time, but I feel I do now.

Some go years without such insight or clarity. I thank God I've been able to see and understand myself in this particular time over a week.

Monday, September 30, 2013


She talks to me.

My heart explodes with desire.

I feel insane. I want her so bad.

I want her, I want her, I want her...

Don't leave. Just stay.

Just talk... and... kiss me...

Kiss me...

Give me your desire.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

'And Then It Happens...'

You think you're done.

It was an illusion, a hallucination. Didn't happen.

You're just sitting there, watching old people talk about sex (on the TV forum Insight) and then you get a message.

It's nothing big, revelatory or particularly special. But... there's the feeling again.

The heart bursting. The heart in bloom.

The hot blood of desire.

Yeah... don't think this is going away in a hurry.


And then it happens,
Why it took me by surprise...
- This Magic Moment.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Still Sick

Thinking about it today.

I think I'm getting worse.

Fuckin' love...

Are there like, antibiotics for this thing?

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

It's That Thing Thing Again...

You know how it is...

Maybe you're doing a lot or doing very little. You might be stressed or completely relaxed. Then it bites you - a familiar pang. It's kinda sickening in its way.

You have no say. You never did.

You might try to control it, try to calm down, try to come down to Earth, but you're already gone and things probably won't be the same for at least a while.



Perhaps it's a seasonal thing in sync with the busiest times. What an arsehole.

Just when you're comfortably busy, life throws you another thing to juggle. One instruction sloppily attached - 'Deal with it.' Yeah, thanks.

Connection seems impossible because the signs, though present, could be misinterpreted. Is that human being that makes me sick (in what some call the 'nice way') laughing, smiling more because they want to be seen as pleased by my presence, winning my favour? Or is it just a great time in the week?

You can study the world, the environment, animals and of course, the people as much as you want, but at any given moment, you're on your own. One's certain knowledge is another's disposable bin of intriguing, but ultimately useless information.

In addition, just how do you persuade your mind to take some time out, recall that lecture/book/observation/tip you looked at, view things objectively from such an informed perspective and make a well considered judgement call in a manner of micro-seconds, while you're simply enchanted by the beautiful face currently engaging with you? (Insert corny-as-heck slow-motion flashback of romantic interest's face here).

I. Just. Don't. Know.

I've spent a good amount of time cooling the crap out of romantic notions after a failed attempt last year. Yes, it hurt, but that wasn't the biggest reason I cooled it. It was a serious consideration that after that moment in time, it would not be worth either mine or a potential romantic interest's time and thoughts to be invested in a relationship.

It was only a matter of time that I would get bitten in the ass again. I'm just a bit shocked that it's occurred in similar circumstances to last time. Think the Hollywood remake attitude - 'Could you do the same thing but... a little different?'

Okay, so it's a little different, but enough of a difference to avoid being severely burnt again on this round? Yet again, I just don't know.

I could list the possible signs of a green light, but by now it should be clear above all else what is lacking within me personally. Confidence.

I really feel supreme confidence would override any awkwardness from pursuing under even an orange light. It would then be so easy to shrug off being completely emotionally naked without pressure. Being able to say/think 'Okay. I like you. A lot. You don't feel the same. Whatever. It's cool.' (And really mean it).

I've resisted all these feelings for so long, my shield's been strong and high. Feeling this vulnerable again feels childish and scary. I feel like I'm right back in high school. I feel weak and chained. Scared, in the corner, again.

Yeah, I'm worried about rejection. I don't want to destroy something beautiful. But maybe the 'little different' is the possibility of real change - something I've been attempting to be a bit more proactive about recently (and in my own small way, successful). I've been riding the idea of new things and changes over the last month, so this romantic idea now, just seems like an obvious encounter.

As I've long thought - desire is useless unless it's reciprocated. As such I can't currently say I love 'love'. Not this kind anyway. It's like getting the flu before a holiday.

As it currently stands, I fuckin' hate love.

I don't feel like, 
I don't feel like, 
I... don't feel like loving you...

- All The Pretty Faces - The Killers.